Probably the question(s) I get asked the most about clutter-clearing basically boil down to "How can I get everyone I live with to be different so I can feel better?" But that's me boiling it down. When it's your life, it's hard to see that getting your husband to "just get rid of all his stuff already!" or getting your kids to "stop hoarding and bringing home every piece of glitter!" is about you trying to create a circumstance in which you can FINALLY feel at ease. Believe me, I get it. I have been there. A lot. A LOT. And sometimes I still go there before I remember that: this is a me problem. "Duh, Mary. I want them to know it's a them problem." The thing is: your husband (or child or grandmother or mother-in-law) probably feels a lot more okay with the situation than you do or they would be doing something different. "Duh, Mary. I want them to be different..."

Ah yes, if you could just control everyone and make them be different than they are.

When your emotional well-being is dependent upon how others act and show up, you're not only giving all your power away to them, you're also in for quite the roller coaster because the only thing other people are very predictable about is: being themselves, which is to say they're not good at being you or following the manual you have written in your head (but most likely have not told them about) about how they should think, act, and feel.  And when you argue with the reality of who they are: it's you who suffers. Again. Still. More.

Want to feel better? Start by asking yourself:  how do I want to think, act, and feel?

Even if no one in your life ever changes, YOU are the only star in the movie of your life and you are under your own direction. You can decide how you will show up, act, and react in every scene of it. Yes, I'll say it again: even if no one else ever changes. Here are a couple of ideas for getting started...

1. Do your own work first. 

 If you are asking someone to do something you're unwilling to do yourself, why on earth would they believe it's a solid choice? Though you may have already cleared your physical clutter, your thoughts about others' clutter is a good indication that you have some beliefs that need some work. Why are you feeling disgusted? Frustrated? Angry? Abandoned? What thought is creating this feeling? 

Oh, have you not already cleared your own clutter? Well then...

2. Lead by example! 

It could be that others are just waiting for you to show them how it's done, that it can be done, and how beautiful it all looks when it is done. Be the change!

Three more ideas for reclaiming your power when working with other people are in my Friday newsletter coming out in two days. If you're not signed up...be sure to subscribe now!

Helping yourself and living an intentional life relies on learning to manage your higher brain and making effective decisions from that place. There are times, however, when the presence of a stressor (bear or active shooter, for example) causes our body to physiologically hijack our brains and render them useless for any effective long-term decision making.

What is happening? This is emotional disregulation.

Emotional Disregulation Explained

Emotional disregulation occurs when fear or upset has cognitively impaired us, but what does it really mean? All the sayings used to describe it-- "wigging out," "checking out," and "going offline"--are a key to what's physiologically happening. To be disregulated means that our autonomic nervous system (ANS), which is the body system responsible for our safety on an unconscious level is no longer regulated by our thinking brain. It has taken over and the pre-frontal cortex, the bus driver and CEO of our effective decisions, has left the building.

Leaving the Zone of Safety 

Our autonomic nervous system does not know the difference between a real threat (swarm of killer bees on your face) and a perceived one (single honeybee on a nearby flower), but the regulating space between the stressor and the high alert response of the ANS, in which we can evaluate the threat level, is our personal zone of safety. Basic self-care habits (rest, movement, nutrition, hydration, deep breathing) increase the size of our zone of safety, but it is also impacted by things like trauma, illness or other physical impairment, and unprocessed emotion. To be disregulated means that you are out of your zone of safety and you are now in in fight, flight, or freeze (and some schools of thought add: fawn). This is great news when you're being chased by a lion. Your body takes over and you get the heck out of there (or fight it). If all goes well, the lion situation gets cleared up and your body resumes normal higher-level thinking capabilities. When it gets stuck in disregulation, however, and doesn't know the way back home, this is when trauma occurs.

When it's time to call in the lifeboats, try this simple technique to get regulated (or help someone else regulate) in real time.

Step 1: Establish safety: (Ask yourself or the other person) Am I (are you) safe right now? If no, there is no reason to down-regulate. Move to safety! If yes (probably yes), say aloud to yourself "I am safe right now."

Step 2: Do I feel safe? (Ask yourself or the other person)  If you are still disregulated, the answer is almost certainly no. But while the brain can go to the past (flashbacks) or the future (what ifs), the body is always in the present. It's time to drop into the body.

Step 3: Acutely relax the body As a woman who gets her hackles up when ordered to "relax," or "smile!," I want to assure you that this is a do-able exercise and meant for your well-being. As you slowly take deep breaths, scan your body for tension. Bending forward and letting your body dangle as you do this, you will quickly return to your body. Repeat as needed.

Have you ever researched a car to buy and suddenly start seeing it everywhere? Have you ever been in a noisy crowd of people where nothing seems audible until you hear your own name clear as a bell? This is your brain's Reticular Activating System at work, charged with filtering out the unimportant stuff so you can notice what is important--or what you think is important at the time. Some of these filters are based on survival instinct (food=good!), but others have come about from beliefs you may not even realize you have (always looking for an exit because you have a belief about being trapped, for example). 

Exciting news! You can intentionally program the RAS to seek and find evidence of anything that you want! In the example of the titular game "Looking for Hearts," which I learned about from author/speaker Mel Robbins, one simply decides to look for heart shapes in the world wherever they go and begins to find them--in clouds, in rock formations, in imprints on toast, or in a reflection off the person-near-you's hair.  

When you give your brain a job, it goes to work faithfully for what you have told it is important.

But after a time, maybe your brain notices that hearts aren't actually that big of a deal to you because you can't eat them or they're just not really getting you out of the bed in the morning and that's okay! If you want them to be a priority to you, just leave a reminder to keep looking for them. Keep re-deciding to keep telling your brain they are important.

OR...pick something that actually matters deeply to you, but is not looking the way you want: your romantic partnership, your business's success, your connection with your kids, your home environment. Put your brain on the job of finding the good and beautiful in one of these areas. The more you decide to look for it, the more you will find. The more attention you give it, the more you will create examples of it through your own connectedness and loving attention. 

You create more of what you focus on.

That ALSO means...if you're determined to find evidence of negativity, frustration, disharmony, hostility, resentment, etc, you can do that, too. Does it feel good to you to focus on those things? Probably not. You don't have to convince yourself that you love things you don't love; your mind will not believe this at all! Just slowly, intentionally, consciously: look for the good and hopeful and bright. 

Look for the hearts! They're everywhere. You'll see.