Probably the question(s) I get asked the most about clutter-clearing basically boil down to "How can I get everyone I live with to be different so I can feel better?" But that's me boiling it down. When it's your life, it's hard to see that getting your husband to "just get rid of all his stuff already!" or getting your kids to "stop hoarding and bringing home every piece of glitter!" is about you trying to create a circumstance in which you can FINALLY feel at ease. Believe me, I get it. I have been there. A lot. A LOT. And sometimes I still go there before I remember that: this is a me problem. "Duh, Mary. I want them to know it's a them problem." The thing is: your husband (or child or grandmother or mother-in-law) probably feels a lot more okay with the situation than you do or they would be doing something different. "Duh, Mary. I want them to be different..."

Ah yes, if you could just control everyone and make them be different than they are.

When your emotional well-being is dependent upon how others act and show up, you're not only giving all your power away to them, you're also in for quite the roller coaster because the only thing other people are very predictable about is: being themselves, which is to say they're not good at being you or following the manual you have written in your head (but most likely have not told them about) about how they should think, act, and feel.  And when you argue with the reality of who they are: it's you who suffers. Again. Still. More.

Want to feel better? Start by asking yourself:  how do I want to think, act, and feel?

Even if no one in your life ever changes, YOU are the only star in the movie of your life and you are under your own direction. You can decide how you will show up, act, and react in every scene of it. Yes, I'll say it again: even if no one else ever changes. Here are a couple of ideas for getting started...

1. Do your own work first. 

 If you are asking someone to do something you're unwilling to do yourself, why on earth would they believe it's a solid choice? Though you may have already cleared your physical clutter, your thoughts about others' clutter is a good indication that you have some beliefs that need some work. Why are you feeling disgusted? Frustrated? Angry? Abandoned? What thought is creating this feeling? 

Oh, have you not already cleared your own clutter? Well then...

2. Lead by example! 

It could be that others are just waiting for you to show them how it's done, that it can be done, and how beautiful it all looks when it is done. Be the change!

Three more ideas for reclaiming your power when working with other people are in my Friday newsletter coming out in two days. If you're not signed up...be sure to subscribe now!

Helping yourself and living an intentional life relies on learning to manage your higher brain and making effective decisions from that place. There are times, however, when the presence of a stressor (bear or active shooter, for example) causes our body to physiologically hijack our brains and render them useless for any effective long-term decision making.

What is happening? This is emotional disregulation.

Emotional Disregulation Explained

Emotional disregulation occurs when fear or upset has cognitively impaired us, but what does it really mean? All the sayings used to describe it-- "wigging out," "checking out," and "going offline"--are a key to what's physiologically happening. To be disregulated means that our autonomic nervous system (ANS), which is the body system responsible for our safety on an unconscious level is no longer regulated by our thinking brain. It has taken over and the pre-frontal cortex, the bus driver and CEO of our effective decisions, has left the building.

Leaving the Zone of Safety 

Our autonomic nervous system does not know the difference between a real threat (swarm of killer bees on your face) and a perceived one (single honeybee on a nearby flower), but the regulating space between the stressor and the high alert response of the ANS, in which we can evaluate the threat level, is our personal zone of safety. Basic self-care habits (rest, movement, nutrition, hydration, deep breathing) increase the size of our zone of safety, but it is also impacted by things like trauma, illness or other physical impairment, and unprocessed emotion. To be disregulated means that you are out of your zone of safety and you are now in in fight, flight, or freeze (and some schools of thought add: fawn). This is great news when you're being chased by a lion. Your body takes over and you get the heck out of there (or fight it). If all goes well, the lion situation gets cleared up and your body resumes normal higher-level thinking capabilities. When it gets stuck in disregulation, however, and doesn't know the way back home, this is when trauma occurs.

When it's time to call in the lifeboats, try this simple technique to get regulated (or help someone else regulate) in real time.

Step 1: Establish safety: (Ask yourself or the other person) Am I (are you) safe right now? If no, there is no reason to down-regulate. Move to safety! If yes (probably yes), say aloud to yourself "I am safe right now."

Step 2: Do I feel safe? (Ask yourself or the other person)  If you are still disregulated, the answer is almost certainly no. But while the brain can go to the past (flashbacks) or the future (what ifs), the body is always in the present. It's time to drop into the body.

Step 3: Acutely relax the body As a woman who gets her hackles up when ordered to "relax," or "smile!," I want to assure you that this is a do-able exercise and meant for your well-being. As you slowly take deep breaths, scan your body for tension. Bending forward and letting your body dangle as you do this, you will quickly return to your body. Repeat as needed.

Okay, so you've decided to join in the 7 Day Clutter Clear Challenge (Cue the imaginary, biodegradable, non-mess-making confetti!) but you're still thinking: how do I get started? (and all the other thoughts: This is overwhelming. Can I doom scroll social media instead? I'm sleepy. My head hurts. I think I might be dying of mumps. I wonder what deals I can find on Amazon! Today would be a good day to learn how to can my own vegetables...)

1. Pick a Project

It doesn't matter what, but for maximum impact, pick something that you see/interact with a lot. You certainly could pick 3 square feet in the back left corner of an off-site storage unit, because you're the boss of you, but if you're not going there and living around that every day, the emotional impact from the satisfaction of completing it and now using it will be basically nothing. 

Have you heard of Dave Ramsey's debt snowball where you pay off the tiniest debts first and then you gather so much momentum that you're a financial wizard before you know it? Same concept.

"So if I'm not organizing deep space...what are some ideas"? If you give yourself two clear minutes to think, you will either see or remember something that is not working optimally that would feel so good if it was just tidied or cleared. It could be a bathroom drawer that you can never find what you need in. It could be a pile of mail from yesterday or the last 10 years taking over your kitchen table. It could be your sock drawer, which seems to contain everything but socks. It could be your medicine cabinet or your roller skate collection. It could be even be "stuff within 10 feet of sofa." And if something doesn't come up that "feels right," just pick the first untidy pile you see and that's the one. 

Pro tip: Take a before picture. Snap it quickly. You don't have to pour over it.

2. Fortify + Pump Yourself Up

Go to the bathroom, have a drink of water and/or a small snack on hand. Don't make this into a huge thing. You're only leaving Earth for 15 minutes or so, but tending to all these things ahead of time will calm your central nervous system and minimize your own need to talk yourself out of it. It reminds you that you're safe and your needs are being met. In addition to basic needs, consider also what else might make the task more enjoyable: is it listening to your feel-good music or a podcast or a book? What about working with a partner or a friend? Is it knowing that a hot bubble bath or a night out with friends awaits you after? Whatever will better doing this work, add it in. It's almost time to start, but speaking of time...

Now is a good time to decide how long you will spend on your clutter clear today. I recommend starting with 15 minutes, especially if you're just getting started. If you're just really in the groove after 15, you can always keep going. Just be careful not to exhaust yourself or burn yourself out to the point that you will excuse yourself from showing up tomorrow. Consistency is the goal and consistency just requires you repeatedly showing up for any amount of time. 30 minutes today is not the same as 15 minutes today and 15 minutes tomorrow. Tomorrow, you have fresh eyes that have been enjoying the fruits of today's labors. You are not the same you tomorrow as today. So set your timer for the amount of time you can easily, breezily do on your phone or your watch or your in-home robotic assistant, and it's go-time, baby!

3. Do the Thing + Have Feelings

Start sorting like with like or picking out the trash or items that don't belong (more on sorting order tomorrow). Just GO! If the task you've chosen is mail, you may spend the entire time chucking things into your recycling bin and trash (wheeee!) or maybe you're taking dishes back to the kitchen, or you're unearthing your sofa under clothes. Every step, every bit matters. Keep going. Thoughts will come up: fear and scarcity, tiredness and overwhelm. Acknowledge the thoughts and remind yourself you are safe and your needs are met and keep gooooooooing until your timer goes off.  If you feel like 15 minutes was basically all you could live through, you're golden. You made it! You didn't die. (If you're really on a roll or almost finished and just want to get your last pair of socks beautifully jellyrolled, by all means go for it. Neither I nor your timer are the boss of you and I love a good clutter-clearing bender myself. Just remember to come back tomorrow!)

4. Celebrate!

Give yourself a big hug and a high five and thank yourself for doing this kindness and act of service for future you. You're the best! Did you pick out a reward like a hot bath or a walk with a friend or your favorite show on Netflix? Please enjoy! And come back tomorrow to do it again. You're so great!

Pro Tip: Take a picture! Even if you didn't finish a space, you will be amazed when you compare your before with the after picture and knowing what took place in only 15 minutes. 

But can it heal your whole life?!

Though it may seem corny or difficult to do at first (hence mirror WORK), each repetition helps you overcome your inner critic and plants the seeds of the habits of self-love, self-compassion, self-esteem, self-acceptance, and self-awareness, which are critical emotional regulation strategies. Like any practice, the more you do it, the easier and more powerful it becomes. According to Hay, self-love is the only strategy for healing EVERY problem. And all it takes is you, a mirror, and a journal and pen. What have you got to lose?

How do I get started? There is no "wrong" way to do mirror work if you're looking in the mirror and being kind to yourself. If you would like to evolve it as a practice though, try this:

• Set a timer to do your mirror work. Start with one minute, or even 30 seconds every day. Over time, you may increase to 5 or even 10 minutes a day.
• Stand in front of your mirror (or hold it in front of you) and look at yourself with compassion.
• Choose affirmations that are meaningful to you. Some of Louise Hay's greatest hits include:
• My life loves me./ I love my life.
• I am willing to change.
• I love who I am.
• Click for the daily affirmation on LouiseHay.com
• Do it every day, even when it feels weird or you feel resistance. Keep going!
• Ready to go next level? Get undressed and practice your mirror work gazing at your full, naked self. Let's go! 

Every time you make a choice in life and decide how and when to execute that decision, you are being creative. You don't have to have a gallery showing or be a preeminent tap dancer to be creative; you are creating all the time--your thoughts and perceptions, your experiences. When we inject that innate creativity with our experiences, emotions, or some piece of our authentic selves, it becomes self-expression, a way of saying to the world "This is who I am. I am here. I matter."

• self-awareness: noticing what we are feeling and being able to name it
  
• mindfulness: noticing and identifying aspects of the external world and our bodies in the present moment 
• energetic release: the intentional catharsis of emotion through movement or other deliberate activity
  
• cognitive reappraisal: the ability to shift thoughts about a situation by simply changing the perspective from which it is viewed
  
• adaptability: resourceful problem solving and pivoting when a problem or blockage is perceived
  
• self-compassion: understanding that we are worthy of love and treating ourselves with care and gentleness in the face of perceived mistakes or failures
  
• emotional support: creating a robust and resourced, supportive "community," that may consist of yourself and/or others that you connect with